The Wife Role: Study 1.4

The Role of the WIFE

Corinthians 13:4-7 - Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

I am not a perfect wife.

There are days that I definitely fall short from grace.

I have learned that you will never have a marriage that thrives if you are not playing on the same team. Whether you are entering into a relationship or engaged, or married its safe to say your relationship will be in great jeopardy if you are not team players, working together and letting God lead you. 

My husband and I definitely did not always play on the same team. If you would have asked us then, we would have seriously thought we had it all together. I'm here to tell you that it was all a very good front. On the inside we were really struggling with one another. Was there love? Of course! But we were failing to put God as the coach of our team so that we could hit the homerun…. We were definitely striking out. 

It's definitely easy to take the blame off of yourself and project that onto the person you are with. My pride definitely clouded so much of my judgment when it came to my marriage in the beginning. Ladies, I failed to be the wife God called me to be.

If we want to maintain a healthy marriage and be the wives God has called us to be, then we must follow the steps God has given us to be able to do so.

So let's break down….

1. RESPECTING YOUR HUSBAND BRINGS RESPECT TO GOD

R-E-S-P-E-C-T 

Would you go with your husband?

Would you follow his leadership for you?

God calls us to submit to our husbands, follow their leadership.

This DOES NOT MEANS we must follow their leadership into sin. For if our husbands call us to sin we must NOT submit to him. But on all other occasions we are called to submit, follow, and listen to our husbands.

This can be so hard. To give up POWER. To not be the BOSS.

Are you the leader or the follower in your marriage?

Are you respecting God's call in marriage to allow your husbands to be the head so that you may be the heart? Are you respecting him?

The lord asks us to submit to our husbands. We must remember that in a godly marriage, the roles are based on order, and not value. God is not saying that men are more important than women so they should be head of the house. It is about order. And in the roles of the household we each play a different part. God is the head of man, man is the head of wife, who are the heads of their children. 

1 Corinthians 11: “Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you.  But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife1 is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” 

We have to understand that submission is voluntary. We won't just automatically submit. We must choose to. He doesn't have to lead you, he gets to lead us, and to do this we must allow ourselves to submit to him. 

In the fall, Eve was tempted by the serpent and she ate the fruit then gave it to her husband. She was tempted by sin to go against the will of God, in turn she then tempts her husband. This was a prime example of the issue of order being turned completely around. 

This then caused disorder and chaos. If we want to respect our husbands then we must respect his role God created for him and submit the way God has asked of us.

Now what about our tongues? 

Are we holding back slander and malice?

Our words are like actions in marriage. Actions speak louder than words? Wrong, your actions and your words go hand in hand.  Words will either bring a spirit of life or a spirit poison. Our words will either push your spouse towards success or will push them further towards their failures. 

I have to be honest with you all, I snap at my husband all the time, when I feel overwhelmed, stressed, or like there is way too much on my plate. I easily project my emotions onto him. If I'm feeling hurt by a friend or dealing with insecurities or past traumas he so easily gets the brunt of it all. I spend way too much time on social media scrolling, that sometimes I forget to prioritize him and his needs. I strive for success in a Godly marriage but lack at putting God first. 

Nothing will change IF nothing changes. Sweet girls, If you see an issue with your husband or yourself, address it, pray, repent and let grace wash over and through. Ask God to help you change your habits, for his holy spirit to rain over you and fill you with love. We have likely all had those moments where we’ve been tempted to  criticize our spouse, alone or even in front of other people.

I believe that most of us do this, not always with harmful intent, but maybe because we are seeking to feel supported or justified for our own feelings and actions within our marriage. This is the projection we may place on our spouses for our own feelings that we are unable to communicate in a healthy way. Please understand, if we are making our spouses feel smaller whether that be at home or in public, then we are potentially  causing division within our marriage. 

We are not respecting nor loving one another when we try to make ourselves feel better and lift our own worth in the eyes of others while hurting, shaming or even sarcastically putting down our spouse.

Its so easy to get distracted by worldly things and to allow temptations to seep in. Temptations are EVERYWHERE.

Its important we know that without Jesus at the center of our marriages it can begin to slowly decline. Everything becomes  very amped up in marriage, the good and the bad. Sometimes we must remind ourselves that marriage is a covenant that God created to last the entirety of our lives. So set the foundation for success and not destruction within your marriage.

God has shown us many examples throughout the bible of women who lost their place in their homes, and in their husbands hearts due to the lack of love and respect shown to their husbands.

King David's wife, MIchal, watched her husband dancing for joy before the Lord in front of the people, without his Kingly clothing and in his undergarments, as the ark of the covenant was being brought into the city. Mical not only did not share his joy, but she had contempt for him. 

2 Samuel 6:16 “As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal, daughter of Saul, watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.”

Verse 20 When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!” David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.”

This is one of my favorite examples and one I would say is the most popular. The queen completely lost her role as the heart and as the queen to her husband because of the lack of respect and contempt she had for him. 

Ladies, we need to start praising our husbands publicly. Just as we are called to support our friends and be their “hype” women, we are called to do the same for our husbands! Lift them up,cheer them on, pray for them and that their hearts desire to be found in Jesus! If there is something that should be addressed, do it in private.

Remember how we are called to speak truth and life to those around us? Are you speaking truth and life into your marriages? Are you respecting your husband through honesty and strong communication? By being honest with our spouses we are showing our respect for him. If something in your marriage needs to be addressed, it is okay to do so. Respect and honesty go hand in hand with one another as well. If your marriage has secrets, then they will begin to build on top of eachother. It almost starts a domino effect, one secret leads to another which leads to another, pretty soon it can be hard to remember what was said and what wasn't, or what is truth and what isn't. Secrets will only build upon secrets. The longer that we make telling secrets a habit,  then the easier it becomes to live in that lie and to then feel comfortable creating more lies. ⁣

I have been very guilty of this in my marriage.I would lie about finances. I think sometimes that can be one of the most common things marriages struggle with.I did this through the world of online shopping. Goodness it can be such an addiction! I used to be very bad at hiding packages from my husband. 

He would ask me where I got something, I would then lie and say oh i don't remember, or i've had this for a while. He would always know or find out i had just ordered it and he would feel so betrayed and hurt that i had lied rather than just being forthcoming about what i had ordered. Why did I feel the need to lie? Was it so important to keep that from him if it meant potentially harming our relationship?

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Did you know that one in five women have kept a big secret from their spouse? Many of which have even been kept for years. The hard part in all of this, is that in order to build trust, the kind  that prevents unfaithfulness, temptation, and mistruths, we must begin by communicating openly and telling hard truths in love. Just like I had said before we have to have hard conversations and address what needs to be addressed. ⁣

Ladies, I encourage you to set yourself free from what is holding you back, to speak life and truth and to be honest with your spouse. Break the chains and start new. Dont allow satan to dictate your lives or your marriages! He will try, he will always try.

Remember, even though it may hurt at first to confess, even if it's hard for you to not only admit to your spouse, but to also admit to yourself,  remember that Jesus will never leave you broken. ⁣

“I will never leave you nor forsake” Hebrews 13:5

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1. WE MUST OPEN OUR HEARTS TO GRACE AND FORGIVENESS.

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How many of you will hold onto anger rather than apologizing after an argument? 

How many of you will let your pride become you and wait to see if he apologizes first?

Just as we talked about a godly friend finding the grace to forgive so we must do the same within our marriages. Remember, God asks us to forgive just as he forgave us. 

If you are not asking forgiveness for the hurt that you too have caused then you are not asking for love, health, and growth for your marriage. In that case you are asking for the enemy to come in. you are asking for destruction. 

I am very bad at this. I let my pride get the best of me. I find myself stewing and being unable to let go. I don't want to be the one to apologize first… yet in doing this I am dividing myself from my husband and building a wedge in our marriage when I should be forgiving as God does and seeing my husband through God's eyes. As the wife and heart of the home I am supposed to create a sanctuary in my home, where communication can flow, i cannot build a sanctuary if my husband and I are divided or if he cannot feel safe.

The longer I allow myself and my husband to sit in the anger and frustration, the more bitterness increases and the more divided we then begin to feel

And believe me, this is the worst feeling. . I never want to feel divided and unified in my marriage. For God calls us to be ONE. We cannot be one flesh if we are divided. I never want to feel like there is a huge wedge or a “elephant” in the room. I want to be in oneness with my husband as God called us. I want to feel lucky to get to be my husband's wife and for him to feel lucky to get to be my husband.

 Never forget that we are truly each blessed by marriage, because of this God allows us to be a team  he allows us to be one.  We have to have grace, we have to allow ourselves to repent, to apologize and forgive one another just as Christ forgave us.

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I can only take responsibility for my own actions, my own thoughts, my own words. I never want to allow the enemy to gain a foothold in my marriage or other relationships because of pride or stubbornness. I want to live and love with humility. Humility will only bring us closer to jesus.

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1. Sex 

SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE HONORS GOD. 

Lets face it, Sex is not exactly the topic of conversation we were taught was appropriate to talk about at Sunday dinner, or any other place, for that matter. We were taught that Sex was this ”hush hush“ thing we shouldn't talk about or do. In my Christian upbringing, it was not something we  talked about or discussed. When it came to Sex and intimacy in my married life, I was on my own.

Before meeting my husband the ideals and reality of sex was obsolete. I truly did not completely understand Sex, or just how fun it can truly be, especially in marriage. I looked at Sex as just something you are supposed to do, not something you get to do. 

However, it has taken me time to get to a place where Sex is something I truly understand and now PRIORITIZE in my marriage. Yes. Sex is an absolute priority in our home. No, we are not obsessed, we are not "sex addicts," but we have learned that nothing good comes from depriving your husband or wife from Sex. Not spiritually, not  emotionally, and certainly not physically. Whenever Andrew and I are overwhelmed, stressed, tired, or busy, Sex is typically the first thing to go. Pretty soon, it goes from missing those few nights a week to missing an entire week, sometimes longer. By prioritizing Sex, we are helping to ensure that our marriage is staying on course in the way that it should. I think its easy to forget that Sex actually honors the Lord. It helps to strengthen our marriages and keep outside temptations and enemies from lurking in. (1 Corinthians 7:5- "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a LIMITED time, that you may devote yourself to prayer; but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you, because of your lack of self-control.") We've learned that in order to "stay on course," we have actual scheduled nights a week designated for busting down in the sheets. Some of you may think, well, what's the fun in that? But by doing this, we are more flirtatious throughout the week, and it also leads to more spontaneous sexual encounters with one another. What's so wrong with scheduling Sex? You schedule your day, work schedule, bills, and so much more. Is your marriage not as important? The thing that counts is BALANCE, making a schedule that works for you both and that you can both be comfortable with. Whether its 1,2,3 times a week or more, or every other week, or more, the number is not what matters. What matters is PRIORITIZING your partner and keeping your marriage on course.

Learning to prioritize takes time, and NOT something I’ve always valued.

If you would've talked to me 4 months ago I wouldn't have even given sex a second thought. When I was pregnant with our daughter, I did anything but prioritize Sex. I could've counted on one hand the amount of times we had Sex the entire 9 months I was pregnant-- and it wasn't because of him. At the beginning of my pregnancy I felt a certain beauty I had never felt before, and, my sexuality felt like it was at an all time high. I loved the way I felt, I loved the way I had that “pregnancy glow” everything about me just felt sexy. But that didn’t last long. The further along I became, my sexual desires dwindled- I virtually had no sex drive. As a new mom my body has and was changing. Things didn't look the way they used to. I was no longer the petite, size 2 I used to be. My hips were wider, stretch marks circling around my tummy and hips. I didn't even recognize myself... How could he? How could he want me? Our husbands however, though supportive and kind, have been waiting 9 months for sex to "Get back to normal." Here's the truth, after a baby, even after time in general with your partner, sex will change, and that's okay, because we as women, have changed, our relationships grow and change— But the way we PRIORITIZE does not have to.

1. BE INTENTIONAL

2. COMMUNICATE

3. LISTEN

If you would've asked my husband while I was pregnant, I am sure he would've told you he felt unwanted, neglected, or ultimately just intimately and sexually “put on the back burner.” He was overwhelmingly gracious and kind, but I failed to recognize that my husband had sexual needs and desires and it was my job to PRIORITIZE them just as it was his to PRIORITIZE mine.

( Ephesians 5:33 " However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.")

( Genesis 2:24 " That is why man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one flesh,")

Remember; SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE HONORS GOD

So while you sit down to plan your week, and your schedules, make sure to talk with your spouse about scheduling Sex as well. It is a game changer for your marriage and for keeping your marriage and partner a PRIORITY.

Nothing good comes from depriving your husband or wife from Sex. Not spiritually, not  emotionally, and certainly not physically. By prioritizing Sex, we are helping to ensure that our marriage is staying on course in the way that it should. I think its easy to forget that Sex actually honors the Lord. It helps to strengthen our marriages and keep outside temptations and enemies from trying to creep their way in. this same way(1 Corinthians 7:5- "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a LIMITED time, that you may devote yourself to prayer; but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you, because of your lack of self-control.") 

We cannot fail to recognize that our husbands have sexual needs and desires and it’s our job to PRIORITIZE them just as it is theirs to PRIORITIZE ours.

Are you taking pride in yourself? I'm curious…. Do you feel attractive? Do you feel beautiful? Do you look in the mirror and remember to love yourself too? Or do insecurities become you? Do you lust to become like those influencers you see daily on social media?

Its very easy to forget to take care of ourselves. Especially if we have children to tend to, a home to clean, a job to work at,the list for us can go on and on that those small moments of self care can start to fade into oblivion. Pretty soon we may not even recognize ourselves. So what are you doing to make yourself attractive not only for yourself but for your husbands? In other words, what are you doing to take pride in yourself?

This answer will be different for everyone.

Does this mean you have to walk around in lingerie, put on your best dress, wear makeup, make sure your nails and hair are always perfect, while spending hundreds on the prettiest clothes and nicest purses? NOOOOO! That is not what is being said here. It is simply that God asks us to take PRIDE in ourselves. For example, keeping yourself clean, smelling good, keeping our internal selves spiritually cleansed and strong. It is beautiful, it is sexy, it is attractive. 

My husband always tells me how sexy he finds me when I find myself beautiful. This doesn't mean i look in the mirror and feel cocky or like I should be voted sexiest woman alive. What it means is that I feel good about myself. I prioritize doing those little things that make me feel good. Sometimes for me it is as simple as taking a hot bath. But my attitude completely shifts when I find time to have those little moments. I am more positive, more confident sexually and overall just feel better about myself. Likewise, I find my husband more attractive when he takes pride in himself. Let's face it, would you be turned on by a man who never wore deodorant, who never washed his clothes or smelled appealing? Who had no spiritual foundation, who had no motivation to do anything? NO! It would be the biggest turn off! So we cannot allow ourselves to be this way either. We must take pride in who we are.

Proverbs 31:30 “ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting,but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

If you are not married but in a relationship please remember your worth.