Never crazy, always loved.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY;YOU ARE LOVED

“Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help

you.” Isaiah 41:10

I struggle with mental illness.

Despite sharing my deepest darkest secrets on my page, this section is by far one of the hardest for me to write. Emotionally, I try to bury these things. I hate talking about what’s going on below the surface. I’m good at trying to stuff my emotions until I pop, or explode, or lash out. I push the people I care the most away. I can basically be a ticking time bomb. And yet, I’m here to expose myself to each of you.

My whole life I’ve been at war with myself.

One minute, I feel confident and good about myself, the next minute I’m so insecure that I won’t leave the house because nothing I put on to wear looks good, my makeup looks different than usual, or my hair is too straight. To this day, I have severe anxiety. I take medication, I pray, I do all the right things to cope and to help-but every day is different. Every day I don’t know whether I will wake up happy, irritated, or so sad I don’t want to get out of bed. Everyday I struggle.

So let me take you back where it started.

I’m 14, I just moved states, my mom, grandma and all the family I grew up with is currently living in another state. Everything I’ve ever known has completely vanished. I’m starting all over again. New school, new friends, new place, new everything. I don’t know about you guys, but big change is very hard for me. I’m not always good at it.

At this particular time in my life, I was dealing with some very difficult emotional life changes. I became closed off, I already struggled with insecurity- I became angry, so angry I would throw things and break things in my room. I wasn’t happy with the things going on in my life, they were all completely out of my control. I hated myself. I hated myself so much, there were times I didn’t even want to live.

When I was 15 I started self harming. I hid it well, I wore long sleeves, I kept myself bandaged up, and I never told a soul….. that was until I told my therapist, who then told my parents, (I didn’t understand patient confidentiality was only unless you were hurting yourself or others.) At this point I start going even more downhill. I was being told I was “doing it for attention,” that “mental illness isn’t real,” that I needed to “grow up.” I was hurting inside. How could you tell me this? I had zero coping skills, I was an emotional wreck, attention was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to understand how to break the spell and the cycle I was in. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. I felt completely crazy and completely out of control. I couldn’t stop my thoughts, I couldn’t slow them down. They found me everywhere I went. My boyfriend at the time, was horribly narcissistic, telling me I was crazy, at one point he even told me to kill myself when I tried breaking up with him. Being in that unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship did not help but make things worse.

When I was 16, I wrote suicide letters to my family in my journal. I was so bad off that I actually had momentary intentions to end my life. I had letters written out to certain family members, I just couldn’t take it anymore. At this time, God did a serious intervention in my life. I spent so many nights praying with all I had, Begging God to intervene, to save me, to show me my worth, that my life is of value, that I was of value. I needed to be saved all over again. I needed to remember who God was so I could remember who I was.

One night, I remember falling to my knees. I was hysterically crying, begging God to hear my prayers. I begged God to save me, to help me understand what was going on. To help me not feel this way. I kept asking him why I was crazy. Why he would make me so incredibly flawed and messed up.

All of the sudden I remember an overwhelming sense of peace wash over me, and I felt the presence of God wrap his arms around me as if he were to be embracing me. There was instant peace in my heart, and for the first time in years my mind was actually blank. At that exact moment I picked up a new journal and a pen and I started a prayer journal. I wrote down every single prayer that I had. I wrote down my fears and worries, all the things that raced through my mind, and this became my coping mechanism. This is what saved me.

For one of my best friends though, his story was different.

When I was 17, one of my best friends ended is own life. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had just talked to him. He seemed fine, he hid it so well, I never even knew anything was wrong. None of us did.

On the same day he ended his life he tried to call me….

When I say he tried to call me, I literally mean within the hour of taking his own life. I didn’t answer because I was “too busy” to talk to him when he called. When my friend called a couple hours later to tell me the news I fell apart. I felt so guilty. I could’ve saved him I thought! I could’ve talked to him and I could’ve helped him. I never told anyone this. I stuffed the emotions. It wasn't until another friend of mine passed away that all the emotions came crashing in at once. The day of his funeral I couldn't even go. I was so embarrassed to face his parents. The guilt I felt for not answering his call.

His life was precious, and ended way too soon. He was always the kindest friend. He would listen to me talk. He would laugh with me. He was so smart, so smart he made all of us feel just a little stupid sometimes. He was the guy who made my birthdays special, by bringing me mac and cheese and all the goodies. I couldn’t believe what I had heard on the other end of that cold phone call that day. I'll always remember my precious friend. On a personal level in that moment, even more so, I couldn’t believe I had ever been in that place myself.

Ladies, (and gentlemen),

you are not alone. Mental Illness is REAL. I am here to tell you that you are not crazy. You are not a failure. You are not a joke. You are not fat. You are not stupid. You are not a mistake. Just because you have to take medication, see a therapist, among other things, does not mean you are anything less than who God made you to be. You are not any less worthy. You are imperfectly perfect. Made in the very image of God.

You are loved. You are worthy. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are created for greatness. Your life is worth something, because God says it is.

Everything can change.

The things I feel today are not the same as they were yesterday. Now I am ready for the world, there is so much more to feel, so much more beauty that what my mind told me to see. I love myself for the first time. I am PROUD of who I am. My mental illness is not gone but I know now I am not defined by my mental illness. I am stronger now because of it.

God says,

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Phillipians 4:13

“Let the peace of Christ rule your hearts”

Colossians 3:15

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

Psalm 61:2

“She who kneels before God can stand before anyone.”

Romans 8:31

Friends, there is so much more to live for than the fear of the voices in your head. Let God show you the way. Surrender your faith and trust in him. He promise to you, that FAITH will always be bigger than your FEARS. May peace and love wash over you in abundance and give you strength and hope for the future.

My prayers for you,

“Lord,

For the heart that aches for your presence, for your guidance in their hearts- please send your holy spirit to surround them, that you may wash over them with your peace; clothing their hearts with strength, and with the comfort in knowing they are worthy in your precious name. That through your holy name, they are protected. Please provide to them a sound mind, and give them the courage to chase after you. Please allow them to stand again stronger because they know their future is destined for greatness by the one who created them. I pray they wake up to find joy and love in each new day, never dwelling on the negativity, fears and darkness the devil tries to cast over them.

We praise your holy name. We thank you for loving us and for allowing us to choose you.

In your name,

Amen.”

The picture I posted below, along with this post is a picture of my cross tattoo joined together by two arrows. I chose to put this tattoo over my wrist where I struggled everyday, as a reminder of Gods infinite love, and sovereign promises to me.

There is a really great word written by Billy Graham that goes along with this,

I have attached for you all.

“Anxiety is the natural result when our hopes are centered in anything short of God and His will for us. —Billy Graham

When Billy Graham wrote those words in 1965, no one knew how true they would be 50 years later.

At its best, anxiety distracts us from our relationship with God and the truth that He is “Lord of heaven and earth” (Matthew 11:25). At its worst, anxiety is a crippling disease, taking over our minds and plunging our thoughts into darkness.

But God wants so much more for us than to walk through life full of fear, worry and anxiety.

“Do not be anxious about anything,” the Bible tells us in the book of Philippians, chapter 4, “but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Our instructions don’t stop there. The chapter goes on to tell believers exactly what we should focus on. And it’s not fear, terrorism, illness, death or evil.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9, ESV, emphasis added).”

Source; billygraham.org